rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
