Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
