No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
