I looked at my own cervix.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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