i wish my penis had a tongue
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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