So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
