If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
