Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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