My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
