My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize