All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
