using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Acid is not a monday night drug
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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