Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
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