Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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