Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
