I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
