Kiss
Puke
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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