i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
