Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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