guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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