i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
