I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
