I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
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just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
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I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
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