My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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