Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
