You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
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