So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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