im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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