my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
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My ATM looks so different sober.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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