My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Randomize
