R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
