Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
