the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
