my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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