Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
And then my night got REAL pukey
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
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