I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
