I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
