I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
