I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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