saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
