It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
