Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
