he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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