Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
