Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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