I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
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