Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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