Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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