i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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