Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
We had sex on a dog bed..
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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