I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
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