Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
