I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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