Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
