i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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