I wish I could teleport
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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