I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
