Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
