Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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