hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
