nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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