I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
